Psychologist’s notes: war… from separation to divorce
War has one distressing condition – separation, which has two extremes – joy and death. It so happens, but perhaps the most common cruel consequence of war is divorce. People leave each other, facing a separation that drives them into their incapacity to survive it.
Therefore, war is also a separation, which has the most common reason for divorce.
Death. It is the most terrible reason for divorce, in which it is impossible to express hatred, contempt, disappointment, and anger. It is impossible because there is no one else. A terrible ambivalence tears you in half because so much has not been said, done, or raised. Everything is covered with this awful “not”. But, on the other hand, who else but him and hatred–why did he choose war? In this ambivalence, she will probably live the rest of her life without him. He left as a hero, leaving her in a terrible abyss of loneliness…
“I can’t stand it,” she says and seeks comfort in the arms of another. Quite often, you don’t have to go far – a friend of the person whom the war has taken into its “embrace” will offer you a hug. So the dilemma is simple. He sleeps in a trench with the war. She sleeps with someone who will comfort her. Over time, the almighty habit wins, and she starts fantasizing about recreating what she has lost, agrees to divorce and falls into the trap of her emptiness, which will become her shadow. He will return from the war. He will be alienated and probably hate everything he fought for. And they will be left with a shared pain – their love has gone out like a candle in the terrible tornado of war.
They failed the test. Yes, love was in the crosshairs of separation. She had to flee. He was doomed to stay. She is panicked about coming back. He keeps himself in check for a long time and concludes there is nothing to connect. Everything is in the past. They did not give their lives for an idea. They just “merged” everything that was once “we”. Why? The inner weakness that became a distinctive feature of the war led to a purity of relationship in which nothing else existed except the mundane, the material.
“It’s not mine any more,” he says to himself, and he is going to see the woman who has taken the place of the one he once loved. The one he loved, running away, forgot about him. And he, waiting for her to return, never did. Now, as he lives out his days, he is looking for a reason to divorce because somewhere out there is the one who was there.
Unfortunately, these are only the first descriptions of divorces. There will be more and more of them as long as they, these divorces, lurk. But as soon as the war is over, the price of divorce war will increase to unimaginable dimensions.
What to do?
- To be honest, the worst thing about divorce is indifference. If it appears, go and get a divorce.
- Believe me – if you are waiting for your husband from the war, and anxiety is tearing you apart, comfort in someone else’s arms stimulates this terrible anxiety even more. It means that there is no reason for divorce. Moreover, the hands of another will affect like a tremendous amount of alcohol. While you were drinking, you were enjoying yourself. When you stopped, you would like to die of a hangover. Therefore, you should not make any decisions. Point.
- The worst thing is death. Only time and memory “heal” this divorce. When the feeling of the presence of the lost disappears and the joy of memories and warmth in the soul for the one who is no longer with you take its place, it is time to start a new round of “life without him”.
- Loss of interest is the worst trap of war. Because as long as there is an attraction from the inside, you have to wait for the stress of the war to “come out by itself” without making any decisions about divorce.
And the most important thing is that it is not passion that chooses a relationship but rather a desire that embraces a relationship from the inside. Please wait and don’t divorce while the war is going on – it’s a wrong step.
