Some divorces occur without the mutual consent of the two people.
They do not clarify the relationship. They do not look for the guilty. They do not fight for children. They do not divide the property. They do not cheat. They do not humiliate or threaten. Between these two, none of the stuff that accompanies the decision of two people to separate. They are separated. However, this separation occurs because one of the partners passed away untimely. It is a loss.
These are the most complicated cases to coordinate. Because in this case, you are not only a psychotherapist, but also you are present with your whole being at a meeting with the format of irreversibility, a terrible drama of life – the untimely loss of the dearest person.
It is hard to start work. The only thing that remains is silence. The silence gives the opportunity to speak to someone whose life has passed like a short film with an expected and such untimely conclusion – the end.
First, a message clearly indicating the reason – the loss. It is the easiest to say. Because the more words are spoken, the deeper the immersion into the abyss of loss and the more acute the pain. No matter when the loss occurred. The pain does not disappear. Sometimes it is dulled, but then it attacks repeatedly.
The most painful thing is the image. It is the image of someone who is not there. This image never leaves you. It flashes in your mind as if everything that was, is, and has not gone away. This image deceives. It is the most difficult to refuse. It seduces, throwing you into the abyss of memories in which everything is FIRST. The first meeting. The first look. The first kiss. The first child. And it’s all so vivid and bright. Then – the fog. Silence, in which tears breakthrough. Because this is just an image. And no matter how strong it is, the reality is more powerful.
Over time, the image seems to weaken. The habit becomes more powerful. Yes, this habit haunts you and, unlike the imagination, wears you down because you want to look again. A touch. The smell. You want the presence of someone who has been there all my life and seemed never to leave. Now the body is exhausted and spasms because the habit of feeling the presence will demand at first and then fade away, taking away a part of life.
Once let go, the habit will give way to suffering. This suffering is a mix of apathy, grief, deep longing, and sadness will appear. This suffering gives meaning, in which the awareness of loss first appears. In this suffering, the main focus will be on the individual – the one who remained and the one who lost. At the epicentre of this suffering, he will experience the doom of loneliness and the impossibility of returning to the past, even for a moment. In pain, there will be a time, a measure, and a limit that will shroud everything in mystery. For suffering has no witnesses or spectators. As the pain subsides, memory will emerge.
The memory gives relief and dulls the pain. Suffering will become a form of love, and the image will hide its object far away in the heart. Memory does not lie. It only reminds me. And in this reminder, the one who has left acquires the status of an interlocutor. It becomes easier.
The one who is left alone goes through all these stages. No, they have not been betrayed. The irreversible has happened – a loss.
It is complicated to move from the image to the memory, and the most terrible thing on this path is consciousness because it has an unbearable role to play – to get used to the Reality in which you are already alone.
Divorce and bereavement are almost identical in depth and pain. Because to survive an imaginary loss in which everyone is alive and well is not easier than surviving a loss in which everything is genuine and, unfortunately, without any hope of return.
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